Someday I'll be something ____much more.____

How does it feel to be
climbing to the top of the city,
looking down on everyone?
How far can you see?
Can you see,
you’re on your way to being
the next big nobody?

You’re such a star,
a pro at counting
two-faced cards
Everyone loves you now,
so here’s your 15 minutes
I’m counting down

How do you think it’s me,
that I’m the one who is crazy,
not right about anything?
Are you blind?
So damn blind
you can’t even start to find
out who you really are?

You’re such a star,
a pro at counting
two-faced cards
Everyone loves you now,
so here’s your 15 minutes
I’m counting down

Come on, come on,
just keep on letting go
Forget everyone,
everything you know
You’re slipping away,
you’re falling down
You’re so close
to slamming face first
on the ground

You’re such a star,
a pro at counting
two-faced cards
Everyone loves you now,
so here’s your 15 minutes
I’m counting down

Three, two, one,
I hope you had your fun
You were so loved
that you lost
everyone, everything you had




(Personal blog means I can talk about politics and no one should bitch at me, yay! If you disapprove, please ignore.)

I just need to take this time to express how much I appreciate my friends on here.


My friends around home do not understand the concept of going to shows whenever you can. My friends don’t understand what it’s like to be in the crowd, screaming along to your favorite songs as you watch the band you admire perform in front of you. My friends don’t understand that talking to members of the band is half the fun of going to shows. My friends don’t understand that creating that bond and that relationship with them helps you relate better to their lyrics.

Then I come on tumblr, and everyone understands that feeling. Everyone knows that rush you get when you’re at a show. Everyone loves talking to people in bands and everyone loves telling their stories about the conversations they have. I love coming on here and seeing people post pictures with their favorite people, it brings a smile to my face.

I am just glad I have people to connect with over this. I have my show friends who are fabulous and understand me more than any of my friends ever will. I appreciate anyone who lives the lifestyle I enjoy living. It’s one of the best families I have ever been a part of and I know that when I am at a show, I’m at my home, at the place that I feel most comfortable with myself.

I was thinking this same thing earlier when my school friends said that wanting a tattoo that relates to a band (a lyric) in anyway is stupid/weird/etc.. It made me think how different I am and how people who aren’t into the whole ~music thing will probably never understand me hardly at all. Like, people I know think concerts are gross and a waste of time. They don’t understand the fun of being in a crowd of sweaty, passionate people jumping around and yelling. They considering owning an album or knowing more than a few songs obsessive (thus, they think I am absolutely ridiculous). They think I’m some psycho for knowing band member names or anything like that. I’m really glad to be apart of this ~lifestyle even though so many people will never get it, but that’s okay.

Sorry, I felt the need to relate haha.

Where did the time go?

A year ago today, November 1st, my Grandma passed away at 87 of Parkinson’s disease/old age/various other factors. She lived up in Olympia, so I’d only see her a couple times a year, but she probably cared about me more than anyone else ever has. She supported and loved everything I did. She loved hearing me play instruments and she loved the art I did. She’d always like when I made her drawings. She hung them all around her house and told everyone about them. She remembered my birthday every year for as long as she could. Her mind started slipping on and off long ago. But still, she truly loved and cared about me. When ever I’d come over, she’d have a cake or some kind of treat for my brother and I. She always encouraged me to be whatever I wanted to be and to never give up the things I love.

When I visited her for the last time in July last year in her retirement home, she was in her wheel chair staring at the TV. She could hardly move, you could see how quickly she was slipping away. After not seeing her for years, it was so… different. She had a lot of crazy thoughts. She’d have random memories from long ago, but couldn’t remember her name and things like that. When we walked in, it took her a few to figure out who my dad, her son was… who she’d seen quite frequently, as he helped take care of her. But then when she just heard my brother and I, she asked “is that Ian and Vanessa?” It was truly astounding that she instantly knew who we were. She hugged us (as much as she could) and asked coherent questions that actually made sense. She asked what instruments I played now, and all sorts of things about my brother and I’s current lives. The fact that after everything, and how scattered her mind was, she remembered us so much more clearly was truly remarkable. That’s how I know she truly cared and loved us.

I remember a couple of days before she died, my friend and I were having a conversation about something death related and how someone was really sad over someone they barely knew who died. I said “I haven’t had anyone that I’ve known die ever since my grandpa in elementary school, so I can’t relate.” Bad timing. But that made it hit just that much harder.

At her funeral, I proved a lot to myself. When my grandpa died when i was a kid, I cried every day for a long time. I didn’t even cry at my grandma’s funeral at all. Not because I loved her less. I knew her better even. But, being older, I knew she wouldn’t have wanted me to be sad or crying, so I didn’t allow myself to cry (not an easy task at a funeral). I feel ashamed now almost crying about anything else. But seriously, that day I learned just how strong I can be, and how I can feel okay even when things are shitty. It’s been hard to remind myself of that, but I’m trying. After she passed away, I was probably the most positive I’ve ever been. I need to gain that back. I know she’d be proud.

Even though the one who probably loved me most is gone, I will never forget her (or my grandpa who has a whole other story and inspires me very much). I will try to convince myself to stay as strong as I can no matter what.

Rest in peace Grandma R. I love you <3

The simple things.

Tonight I attended my school’s last football game of the season, which we won by a landslide (quite the rarity for my school). I was excited, but I was bummed at the amount that I realize my closest friend cares about me. I’m always the third wheel. If her best friend isn’t around, it’s like we’re super amazing friends. If her best friend is around, I get somewhat ignored because they spend the whole time talking about what great of friends they are. Her best friend doesn’t act like she likes me all that much, just for no reason. She seems to enjoy glaring at me, pretending I’m not there, and showing that she’s better friends with my good friend than I am. I was also bumming about some other stuff, because once I’m bummed about one thing, I tend to start thinking of other shitty things too.

Well, I was just standing there in the cold, waiting for a ride, being sad/mad/whatever you want to call it (despite our awesome win) and such. While I was just staring out while thinking, I saw a shooting star straight in front of (and obviously above some too) me. Then, suddenly I felt better. I was just happy to be alive, just for things like that.

It’s the simple things in life that really matter, and really get me by (besides concerts and music, of course). I live for moments like seeing shooting stars, or colorful sunsets, or whatever it may be. It’s those moments where I can’t help but think, ‘Wow, I’m really fucking glad that I have this life I was given.’

Value even the shittiest of moments, because being alive is wonderful.

I really just need to rant about everything.

I have no time at all though. This time right now is time I should be sleeping. I don’t have time to live anymore. I want the summer back. Here is my ranting in bullet points so I can be concise.

  • School is absorbing my life way too much. AP Language is the worse class ever. I’m good at English classes usually, but this one is horrible. My teacher doesn’t understand that we have lives outside of school. We have weekend homework assignments, and at least like… two hours of homework a night. AP stats sucks too because my teacher isn’t helpful at all. Just like last year. Fuck my life.
  • I have some really good friends, don’t get me wrong, but I have some who always flake out on things, which is annoying obviously. I also don’t have any friends good enough to where they’ll listen to even a little bit of my rantings or anything it seems. That’s probably selfish though.
  • Having to basically put on my own birthday party was stupid. It worked well, but it’s really god damn depressing having to get your own food, streamers, drinks, etc. My dad bought me a cake but he didn’t even give a fuck enough to get it personalized, which is a tradition. I had to get and blow up my own damn balloons even. My mom didn’t even come to my party. My dad sat on the couch most of the time. Not that I want my parents involved in my party, but still. I wish they pretended like they cared more than they do.
  • To put icing, a cherry, and sprinkles on top of the cake, the boy that I quite like lied to me. If I were to explain the whole thing, I would sound like a sped (to the zero people that read this), but basically since he lied, it means he really didn’t probably give a shit about me at all, despite the way he acted around me. This ruined my entire day, and made the fact that I was stressed from school work way worse. I really fucking like this kid, and I really fucking miss him… but obviously that does not matter.
  • I just really want a nice boy to like me a lot and truly care about me. I want anyone to show they truly care about me, actually, but especially a good guy. I just want someone to hold my hand. I want someone to hug for way too long. I want someone to make me feel like everything is okay. I want someone who will make me smile and never let the smile fade off of my face. But since I am who I am, this is far too much to ask for. With things like homecoming coming up, how single and alone I am seems amplified.

I don’t know how I’m going to make it to next summer. Everything is just too much. I haven’t had to fight off tears this frequently in a really fucking long time. I was so happy, but then everything just went down the drain at once. And those bullet points don’t explain anywhere close to everything. I seriously cannot take all of this.

I am so busy thanks to school.

So busy that I can’t even write a blog to rant about it in. There are not enough hours in the day. I can’t even explain everything I have to do. And, I think I’m getting sick. Either that, or my allergies are acting up again. Either way, not cool.

Okay, I must go shower now. Then do homework. Then sleep too few of hours. Then be disgusted at how gross I look and how terrible this stress makes my skin while I get ready for school. Then school for 3 periods. Then a leadership conference. Then staying after school (which I do almost everyday btw) to do work and plan homecoming stuff. Then do a bunch more homework I’m sure. Then get my hair fixed up. I also have to retake a math test I failed because I didn’t finish it on time because my teacher doesn’t acknowledge my inabilities. And… there’s a bunch more but like I said, now I have to shower and shit. And kill myself because oh my god, the stress haha.

OKAY. Bye.

RIP Sing It Loud.

Now, let me just start out saying that I always get the slightest bit bummed when almost any band breaks up, regardless of whether I liked them even. It’s always sad to see something that you know was a really good thing, for at least someone, come to an end. To hear that Sing It Loud is coming to an end makes me sad.

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What you have done?
6/365: Flash!
Product of procrastination and distraction from doing school work&#8230; haha.

6/365: Flash!

Product of procrastination and distraction from doing school work… haha.

5/365: Unfocused.
I have to do a bunch of summer work before I go back to school on the 8th, but I just can&#8217;t concentrate. Yay procrastination.

5/365: Unfocused.

I have to do a bunch of summer work before I go back to school on the 8th, but I just can’t concentrate. Yay procrastination.

alifeinspired replied to your photo: this is super lovely.

Gracias :)